I’m picking me apart again. I’m starting from the beginning. I’m remembering who I am and finding my bearings. I’m over this confusion. My confidence in who I am and what I stand for has NOTHING to do with the emotional state of ANYONE close to me. I love them all/him very much but I’m over this. I’m not going to be an emotional wreck just for a short-term establishment of sanity. It doesn’t last and it isn’t based on a strong foundation. I have to do what’s best for me and focus more on that. Remember my whole thing about two wholes are the only thing that can make a whole relationship? I won’t be a half for ANYONE. People change, but I shouldn’t change for people. I have to be me.
My legs are shaky stepping out, but deep down I know where my strength comes from. It doesn’t come from any person, it doesn’t come from a tangible source. My source is far within me and has never left. I am strong from within. I will not ask for pity, for emotional direction, and I am not reliant on any tangible source. People will fuck you up. I don’t have any responsibilities other than my own well-being. I’m not out to screw anyone over, but I can’t sacrifice myself because someone’s uncomfortable/unsupportive of my happiness. Screw it. I’m over it. I’m breaking the habit of tripping over myself to make someone happy when I’m not the one who can make them happy anyway. Screw it. THIS. IS. MY. LIFE. And I’m the only one who’s going to live it.

 I haven’t talked to you in a while. I mean full, wholeheartedly. I pray for other people in the deep parts of my mind and hope that things will go well for them. Somehow that you will help them even if I feel you’ve left me in some ways.

 I feel you have, you can’t blame me. Church is a total cop-out for right living. Some people think they can screw around with other people’s lives and it’s ok. Like messing around with someone’s destiny is part of their non-chalantly selfish lives. Maybe they are holy, goody goodies in one side of life, but when entire areas are neglected, does that really count for anything??

I don’t think it’s right and I dont’ think it’s fair. I’ve given up on church. It’s fake to me now. All of it. It’s fake. 18 years I attended and continue to out of obligation and previous commitment. I am not a fake. But I try to be devoted. It’s hard. I want to quit so bad but I know that even if people know how I feel they will believe it best for me to stay, at least for the moment. I do not quit on things and I try to finish what I start. I don’t like to jump into things without first checking out the details.

 But some things in life disappoint. And in this case, it’s church. Fuck the church. Fuck you? Eh.

 I swear sometimes I just do things for no other reason than the mere fact that I can. Like I don’t even know if anybody reads these, but why do I write? Because I can. And so far, no one has told me to shut up. N if they did I’d probably start a conversation. So sometimes that makes me a jerk. I’m really just in exploration mode. N being tired n cold are two very bad combinations for me. But I could change that if I wanted. It’s so retarded, I’m almost just exploring what it’s like to be a jerk. Jerk off….yes. Sucks. Remember that. Maybe my morals aren’t strong enough at this point. Lord help us all who do things because we can.

 I saw you online. You look like a criminal. I mourn sometimes as if there was a death in the family. I see you’ve managed to lessen the years to nine. Must be off of good behavior or something. This time it’s necessary for life since people pretty much hate you. They should. what you did was hainous and I can easily blame you for all of my problems. But it doesn’t solve them.
  My mom just lost her job and I am about to apply for a second job. My life is so fucking hard. But I’m strong and will survive it. I have to. I want to get married and I don’t think I want to put him through this. I want to break up with him because I need to somehow deal with this on my own. Maybe we should have some seperation time. Not permanently, but if he loves me, maybe he’ll understand. Maybe he won’t mind waiting til I get myself straightened out.
   I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to say something I will regret. I might fall into depression or I might become highly motivated. 
   We are already slightly seperated for progressive purposes and I miss him so much. He is my sunshine. But also, I desire his sympathy. And I don’t want to want his sympathy. This cry-baby stuff has got to go. I’ve got to become a woman. I love him and will not allow him to commit to an immature partnership. Maybe I can learn to be motivated and be independent and steady. But also independence is serious mode to me.
  And I might completely lose any sociality I seemed to be regaining. I’m so overwhelmed. But I need to be taking this seriously How can I be happy-go-lucky and serious? How do I find that balance? What docrine do I develop/cling to? Should I obsess over fundamental principals to provide structure? I’m so exhausted and I’m always negative now. Bitching seems to be all I do these days. How do I grow up?

 I think I also need to come to the realization that life is hard. That things can’t be care-free anymore. I’m growing up…I promise I am.

 At this stage of adulthood I start to really feel left out in the cold hard world. No help. Is it like this for everyone I wonder? I really do because suddenly I feel like I am having to do everything completely on my own as if I’ve been orphaned. Not quite that free, spread-my-wings-and-fly kind of feeling I was hoping for. Taxes? All I have is my mom and she doesn’t know how to do it. She doesn’t know anything about college, resumes, work studies….zip. And suddenly I feel very alone. If I were to fail, no one would sneeze at it. If I were to try…no one would support it. No one is here to tell me if I should pursue life as something to be valued and made something of. No one. I am completely my own and very solitary world.

  My father would know these things but he’s gone. He’s encarcerated himself and therefore is detached from me. My siblings have enough of their own troubles and simply aren’t around. And here I am thinking that I’m going to get married in 7 months..it’s probably going to take me that much to even get a vehicle. I feel so far behind all my friends and so inadequate and unlearned. I do well at my job, but it’s not a challenging task for me, it’s passed that point and I wonder how much more I contribute than the average Jane. If I’m not more valuable, why should they keep me or give me a raise? The only thing they will respect is the investment of time and I already feel behind.
    So much to learn and I will not let my love marry a child.

Dear Dad,

 I wish I could say that I’ve changed, but I don’t know that I have…at all.  I’ve found someone I want to love and make happy and wake up next to for the rest of my life. And as soon as we’re established enough, we’re getting married. I’m going to go to school soon and major in Communications. I figure it’ll be useful in all areas of business and human resources?…I could do.

 I still assist in drama classes at church and sometimes perform with the kids. But my dreams of being a drama teacher have somewhat faded as I put them on hold to chase a career with a more progressive promise regarding its monetary value.

    I’m not going to lie, I’ve found it hard to cope this time. I’ve struggled with a lot of emotion but this is what I know: You are my father and I will always love you as such. I understand that you’ve done some very wrong things but I have to somehow and eventually get beyond the past. The past breaks my heart, but the future can be better. It has to be. I’m sorry that your life has been such a struggle and that things have not gone as you planned. We all have to believe in the hope of a better future.
   I hope that we can all make the best of our situations and not abuse our lives by allowing the value to depreciate, even in our own minds.  May God speak to all of us individually and allow us each to grow in Him and maybe one day we could grow together.
   I will not pretend that it was all bad. My graduation was the happiest day of my life and you were a part of that.
   I want this family to be whole as individuals, but all I can do is allow God to heal me. So far it’s been quite a process. But God has never let me go and until I allow myself to move on or at least begin to, I feel a conviction that I won’t experience the peace that God intended for me to have right now-not later. And I’m only screwing myself over in the meantime. I know I can be truly happy with my life right now and that is my only hope for a better tomorrow.

Always Your Daughter,
“Jane”

 I picked ‘Saving Jane Doh’ because sometimes just writing things out has saved my sanity and possibly my life. For eg. if I were wanting to do something irrational or stupid, all I would have to do is write it out and I easily come to the realization of the insanity. Besides, I’m really not one to do anything irrational so if I were to…it would probably be pretty ugly.
   My blogs will probably be pretty messy at first and I have to make sure I realize other people will be reading this, but give me a moment and my life will lay out before your eyes. You may be amazed at decisions I come to or hardships I’ve faced. I’m not blowing my own bubble, but maybe some of them would be able to help you. I’ve gone through a lot and my blogs won’t always be about my life or sweet nothings. What can I say? I like variety, but I’m really tired of writing things out so many times I’ll be typing things out that I would normally write such as my feelings n struggles n what not. Also I am a Christian so if you find that I say things about God (or to, as if it were written to the original Author) than don’t be surprised.