I saw you online. You look like a criminal. I mourn sometimes as if there was a death in the family. I see you’ve managed to lessen the years to nine. Must be off of good behavior or something. This time it’s necessary for life since people pretty much hate you. They should. what you did was hainous and I can easily blame you for all of my problems. But it doesn’t solve them.
My mom just lost her job and I am about to apply for a second job. My life is so fucking hard. But I’m strong and will survive it. I have to. I want to get married and I don’t think I want to put him through this. I want to break up with him because I need to somehow deal with this on my own. Maybe we should have some seperation time. Not permanently, but if he loves me, maybe he’ll understand. Maybe he won’t mind waiting til I get myself straightened out.
I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to say something I will regret. I might fall into depression or I might become highly motivated.
We are already slightly seperated for progressive purposes and I miss him so much. He is my sunshine. But also, I desire his sympathy. And I don’t want to want his sympathy. This cry-baby stuff has got to go. I’ve got to become a woman. I love him and will not allow him to commit to an immature partnership. Maybe I can learn to be motivated and be independent and steady. But also independence is serious mode to me.
And I might completely lose any sociality I seemed to be regaining. I’m so overwhelmed. But I need to be taking this seriously How can I be happy-go-lucky and serious? How do I find that balance? What docrine do I develop/cling to? Should I obsess over fundamental principals to provide structure? I’m so exhausted and I’m always negative now. Bitching seems to be all I do these days. How do I grow up?
I think I also need to come to the realization that life is hard. That things can’t be care-free anymore. I’m growing up…I promise I am.